Sunday, April 29, 2012

Remember to Eat Regularly

With my husband in town it is very difficult to get things done - including blogging, exercise and food prep. Oh, and laundry! As typical in most long distance relationships, when you do see each other, you try to cram everything in a few short days. Add in the fact the sheer amount of friends and family that want to see him, I feel, 3 days in, that I'm already running on empty.

Today I nearly was sick at the Superstore.  We were out late, up early, and had been on the go the whole time.  My husband is that rare creature who doesn't have to eat much to go ~ he'll have breakfast and then be good until dinner.  On the other hand, if I don't eat on a regular basis, my stomach revolts, I get light headed and feel exhausted.  So this afternoon at Superstore we were picking up the rest of the stuff we need for a BBQ we are hosting tonight.  I was feeling ill, light headed, and my stomach was on revolt.  I didn't know which end it was going to come out of!  My husband didn't understand.  He was all like "but you had eggs for breakfast, how can you be hungry".  Never mind that breakfast was 5 hours ago and we hadn't had anything to eat or drink since then.  I was a prime example of why you need to eat properly, regular;y , and always have water and healthy snacks on you or in the car!  We ended up stopping for "lunch" at Fresh Slice pizza where I was able to grab a single slice of pizza for lunch since I refused to do greasy fast food or overpriced deli food.

I don't think I've mentioned how much I heart Fresh Slice.  If you don't have them near you...  *sigh.*  They have really good single slice pizza made with a thin whole wheat crust.  It isn't greasy at all, as in, after sitting on a napkin for 5 minutes, no grease was left on it!  It also is light on the cheese and sauce, but heavy on the vegetables.  For $1.79 a slice and being right across from the grocery store, it was a life saver!

So we are home now, my husband is napping and I have time to blog!

I went shopping to the States yesterday.  Yes, I am a cross-border shopper on a regular basis.  I live and work in Surrey, a suburb of Vancouver, BC, Canada and live and work within a 20 minute drive of the USA-Canada border.

Now, to dispel a myth, not everything is cheaper in the States.  You have to know your prices.  However, it isn't necessarily the prices that we go down for.  It is the selection!  The sheer amount of variety that is available in the grocery, shoe, and clothing stores is huge.  For a plus size girl I am in heaven.  I can find many more clothes when I am cross border than when I'm at home.  The prices can be a little cheaper, but the selection is huge (to me).

So my friend and I spent 12 hours (including an hour in line at the border railing against those stupid self-absorbed people who try to cheat the border line-up by cutting in from the Nexus line-up or pretending they are Duty Free shoppers) shopping, driving, and having a good time.  I talked her out of the candy apples at Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, but indulged in some Pretzel Bites at Auntie Anne's pretzels.  We ate a healthy lunch of grilled chicken salad and made sure we had tons of water to keep us hydrated.

We ended up spending about $550 in total.  Including a $200 Costco trip for healthy chicken breasts.  OMG, have I mentioned how much cheaper chicken and turkey is south of the border?  If boneless skinless chicken breasts go on sale below $4 per pound, it is a huge sale in Vancouver.  However, I can go to Costco and get boneless skinless chicken breasts for $2.50 per pound.  For a fat girl changing her lifestyle that is perfect.  I can stock up on chicken thighs, breasts, and fillets and have no excuses over why I can't cook at home.  Add in the amazing Fibre One Brownies, and I'm in heaven.  I also found fantastic high fibre and protein tortilla wraps and pita buns!

I try to support the Canadian economy by buying most of my items locally in smaller independent stores.  But it isn't easy because the prices are higher and the selection is lower.  So as much as I support locally, I won't feel guilty cross border shopping for better deals 2 or 3 times a year.

As for going across regularly just for gas (I work 15 km from the border) I have zero guilt.  We are charged tax on a tax up here for gas.  Why should I pay $70 to fill up my tank every 2 weeks and still have horrific transit service, or cross the border and pay $40 to fill up my tank?  Then spend that extra $30 donating to local charities and community groups?

OK, I'm rambling.

I'll sign off now and go fix up my "What I'm reading post" since this week has been really interesting on the blogosphere.

Question:  If you could, would you cross border shop?

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Blog on the run: my husband is in town edition

So the second spin class of the beginners class was good. I tried a different style bike to see if my bum and feet would like it better. They didn't. The bottom of my right foot is killing me. Again it was just over 200 calories. The instructor was late so we only really pedaling for 15 minutes. I think next week I'll have to stay longer to get my calorie burn.

As it is, I need to work my ass off to meet my 3500 calorie goal this week!

But I'm off for dinner with my hubs.... Sushi here I come!!

Happy Thursday all.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Oops, I did it again....

That would be not get out of bed in time to do the 7 am bootcamp.  *sigh*  I sometimes think that if the classes weren't free, even if there was just a $5 charge, I'd be more likely to go!

 Now just to make me (and hopefully others) smile:

photo credit

That poor dog... so scary, yet so so funny.  My husband refuses to let me do anything fun to our white dog's hair!  We're afraid to cut it since the part of this tail fur he burned off in a campfire hasn't grown back (No, we did not torture I dog.  He backed into a campfire while trying to jump into a chair ~ he has a long tail and part of the fire caught a flame - he wasn't hurt, more concerned over why everyone was yelling at him!)

And in other disappointing news, my tenants just gave notice for the end of May.  This gives me 5 weeks to sell my condo or else end up further in debt.  We only rented it out and moved since we couldn't afford to keep living there after being hit with a huge leaky condo levy.  They introduced new bylaws last year where if your tenant moves out, you move back to the bottom of the rental wait list.  In our strata we are only allowed 7 rental units at a time and those spots are all taken and I know there are at least 4 - 5 people on the wait list.  So now I have to sell.  It is about a year before I was planning to do it and throws everything into a loop.  Change means stress to me.  Stress means my body goes into conservation mode and makes it nearly impossible for me to lose weight.  This means I'm going to have to be extra vigilant in my workouts and eating.  Man, I'm nauseous just thinking about it; heart is racing, mind is racing, beginning to sweat ~ yup the stress has started. 

That means that this:


wed afternoon individual cardio session


isn't going to cut it anymore.

I've never been so happy in my life that my husband is coming home.  I need that support right now.  Heck, we have 2 condos to sell so I might as well get used to it!

Well, on the positive side, it will accomplish one more item on my 101 things to do list.

Now... where was I?

Oh... yeah, the not waking up in the morning.  I think I'm going to leave that challenge for another day. 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Fat Acceptance?

Tuesday afternoon bootcamp plus 20 minutes of cardio after.

Well I'm getting there - I've burned 1042 calories in 2 workouts this week.  2458 calories to go!

To keep my motivation up, I've been reading more blogs, shamelessly checking out the blogs that others are reading and then if I like those blogs, I'm checking out what they're reading and so on and so on.

Doing this has exposed me to some great blogs and some that just make me go huh and others hmmm....  Some of the ones that make me go hmmm are the ones surrounding fat acceptance and such.  I've read through some of the latest posts on two or three blogs of people advocating fat acceptance and the largest thing I've taken away is the one statistic they all repeat ad nauseam: 95% of the people who lose weight gain it back, only 5% maintain the weight loss.

Armed with that fact, they keep repeating how weight loss is impossible, improbable, not a cure, and shouldn't be considered a solution to anything.  I agree with a large portion of what they argue.   As a fat person, I'm subjected on a daily basis to people judging me based on my fat.  They don't see me.  I especially agree with the fact that being obese or overweight is generally what doctors tell you is the cause of everything else that is wrong.  That losing weight is the magical cure to heal all.  Now I don't buy that, but I also don't buy the fact that the majority of obese people  (60+ pounds above a "normal" weight and not an athlete) are perfectly healthy.  

However, I will admit you can have extra pounds on your body and have great health.  I just don't think we should not be advocating weight loss.  From the studies that I've read, healthy habits equals weight loss.  However, since we are all individuals, no weight loss will be the same and just living a healthy life won't make some people thin and in the medically acceptable "normal weights."
But constantly repeating that 95% failure rate almost is like telling people who are obese and want to lose weight that it is hopeless and they shouldn't even bother ~ instead come and be a fat acceptance cheerleader with us, all fat people are healthy!! Celebrate being fat because the science is inconclusive on the health risks, be fat with us.  

Now, that may not be what the movement is about, but as a fat person just discovering the whole thing, it is the impression that I am getting.  

And where the hell is the study that gave that result?  I tried to google to find the actual study to read, but the first 10 google result page ended with blogs, fat acceptance websites, and new media sites which cite that statistic, but not one actually contains a link to a study which shows it.  
Can anyone point me in the right direction?   I prefer to read the actual studies versus media synopsis of them.

It frustrates me to no end that almost ever single post or blog entry I read on some of these sites are nothing but, you can't lose the weight, the studies don't prove that being fat is unhealthy, you can be super fat and still be healthy, etc, etc.  Then when I read other people's weight loss journey blogs, I see all these people posting how much more active and stronger they are, how much better they feel, how much nicer their digestive system is, how they have more energy etc. etc. once they lost the 50, 100, 150 extra pounds.

It is completely contradictory.  What is someone just starting on their journey (I'm in, well, the 25th year of mine so I'm not exactly a newbie) or looking for motivation (me), supposed to think?

The one key factor to the studies which show weight is inconclusive and an indicator for health all show that the obese people who are healthy all are active and eat their fruit and vegetables.  They lead a healthy life.  They have healthy habits.  

Why is it that that isn't what some of these blogs are promoting?  Why is it instead all about relishing in being fat and not relishing in being healthy?  I completely agree with most of the work they are doing in preventing people from judging others based on their weight, but I simply don't understand why they aren't blunt in saying sure you can be fat, we won't judge, but please, be healthy and fat instead of that couch potato!

I'm so confused!

Can anyone explain?  Point me in the direction of some good sites that promote fat acceptance but also promote being healthy.  That don't just celebrate being fat, but celebrate being fat AND healthy?

I think when I have a little more time, I'm going to do a lot more reading to see if I can wrap my head around it but in the meantime I'm going to keep on trucking with my healthy habits and lifestyle change!

I wish all the rest of you the best of luck as well!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Monday Blahs

Monday afternoon bootcamp

So I was a very bad girl this morning and skipped morning bootcamp.  I woke up at 6:00 am and then let the negative side of me come through.  My back was bothering me and the thought of an intense cardio and core circuit just wasn't appealing.  I know we need to keep the numbers up to keep the class from being cancelled, but I had slept poorly and just wanted 2 more hours of sleep.

I ended up getting out of bed at 8:10 am.  *sigh*

I did however go to afternoon bootcamp and burned my 478 calories!  My shins were bothering me like mad so I was happy with the result.  We had the new trainer again and he totally cracks me up ~ he repeats all of his motivational sayings at least twice.  It both annoys me and makes me laugh at the same time:  "Come guys keep it up, keep it up" or "Let's get moving, let's get moving" in a monotone voice.  He is a good trainer I think, just young and inexperienced.  He'll get his trainer legs soon!

I weighed in this morning at 239.4, so I'm still below 240 for the 3rd week in a row which means I can update the very first item on my 101 things to to in 1001 days page to be complete!   I am stoked.  However, it also means I probably would have lost serious weight last week if I could have kept the chocolate and Reese Puff's cereal addition monster under control.  I did well until Saturday night, Sunday morning where I just grazed on everything including way too much chocolate, the semi-baked cake, and 3 massive bowls of cereal.

I'm trying to get back on track with food by planning all my meals and having them all laid out.  I batched cooked the protein / veggie portion for 8 meals (M-Th) and then will allow myself a cheat meal on Friday since I have my personal training session that day.  My husband also arrives back in town Friday night so I'm super excited about that!  I have him for a week before he goes back for his summer class.  We'll probably end up going out for sushi Friday night.  Since I eat mainly the sashimi with a side of edaname, I should be good for food.  Just to control that boredom eating and then I'll be set.

What tricks do people employ to avoid the boredom eating?  I try to keep myself busy at home and if I had more of a social life and more friends I can see myself going out more.  But I seriously heart me some TV and tend to want to graze on food while watching.  I don't buy most of the junk food, but anything can be overeaten ~ including the "healthy" stuff.  Too much fruit isn't a good thing and too many veggies make my tummy unhappy.

I've decided to make myself some goals this week to keep my focus:

Weight Goal: Lose 2 lbs.
Non-Scale Health / Fitness Goal: Burn a total of 3500 calories this week ~ that averages to 500 a day and if I keep my workout schedule I should be able to do this.
Personal Goal: Finish cleaning / organising the house so when the hubby comes home we can enjoy non-housework stuff. 

Question: What are your goals for this week?

Sunday, April 22, 2012

My weekend in Pictures


First attempt at a wonder mould cake. I under baked it and had to restart ~ and avoid the temptation to eat it all.  I succumbed to eating just the part in the bowl.

Really tough Saturday morning circuit class - 647 calories is almost a new record.  I died!

First hot car sighting of the day - the gym I do Saturday circuit at is upstairs and a guy rents the downstairs to store 2 very nice sports cars
A healthy and successful shopping trip to Costco - veggies, strawberries, egg whites and 4 new perennials!

Hot car sighting #2 - I think all the sun Saturday morning brought them all out.  I'm not complaining!
And then after shopping - a nice nap on the couch.  This is how my dog sleeps - hiding his head under the coffee table.  I swear he thinks that we can't see him this way.

Saturday evening was spent making a birthday cake for a girl's 3rd birthday.  The second attempt at the wonder mould cake worked much much better and left me with no scraps to eat - wohoo!

Sunday morning I was up early posting wedding items and misc items on craigslist.  This is part to help accomplish 2 items on my 101 things to do in 1001 days.

Lots and lots of laundry today - these are the last 2 loads.  Aren't you just jealous of my hot pink carpet? lol.
To Be Accomplished Still:
Picking all the wonderful dandelions that have popped up in the last 2 weeks.  I also want to plant the new perennials I picked up yesterday
Gotta get my veggies in!

Chicken defrosting - I will be batch cooking the chicken and broccoli tonight so I have healthy lunches and dinners for the weeks

Canucks Game at 5!  Go Canucks Go!

Overall, fairly healthy, fairly active, and getting much accomplished!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Workout number 5 of the week

What I'm Reading

I've ramped up my reading of blogs and other sites lately trying to keep my motivation.


Here is what has struck a chord with me in the last week:

And She Ran
A blog I just started following ~ this particular blog post reminded me of me.  How I've used my excess fat as an excuse as to why no on likes me.  But it isn't my fat, it is me!  I shut myself off from the world using my fat.

There's a reason hamsters dont have six packs
Another blog new to me ~ I liked the advice in this one about mixing up the workouts, something I'm trying hard to do!

2 posts from Skinny Emmie:

  • Accepting the Struggle A great read on why the struggle and the journey are just as important as the final destination.
  • Weight Loss Ninja Although not explicitly a motivational post, to me, since I also struggle to overcome the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, it was.  It is necessary to remind myself that the definition of failure can change and even the best laid plans go sideways but that the final goal is always there even if the path to reach it may change. 
Day 2
Another blog new to me that I came across looking for people's experience with skin removal surgery.  When checking out blogs, I almost had a panic attack since I know once I reach my weight loss goal, I will have plenty of excess skin to be removed.  It scares the shit out of me.  The wonderful blogger at Diary of a Former Food Addict just went through surgery for her arms and legs and I'm really looking forward to watching the progress.

Don't just sit around
I came across this when reading the Sweat Science blog at Runner's World.
I sit all day long, and this is a perfect reminder to move on a regular basis.  I find the study quite intriguing as it goes to show that obesity is a very complex issue.

Paying the Price of a Fat Pet
"The problem in pets mirrors that in overweight humans, often stemming from lack of exercise and too many snacks and calorie-dense foods – or, in this case, treats and table scraps – between meals."

So true!  I'm lucky my dog is hyper active and maintains his weight  perfectly.  I only wish my doctor would tell me that "You have a nice figure" like the vet told Haru!

Deprived
A reminder that you shouldn't feel deprived for the whole weight loss journey

Healthy Habits Make Healthy Fatties

A reminder that the number on the scale doesn't mean much in regards to health and morbidity!





Thursday, April 19, 2012

For the second spin class....

I survived!
201 calories burned

I'm taking a 30 minute beginner spin class at a local recreation centre about 15 minutes from my house.  4 half hour classes for $12, taxes in.  I can't go wrong.

I figured after my hour long class, that maybe, to prevent my bum from revolting on me, I should ease into this whole spin thing.

I know when people look at me they assume that I never work out, must be in horrible shape etc.  Given that this spin class is at the back of a large, very busy, weight and cardio area, I felt very awkward and unwelcome walking through there to find the spin area.  The class is not separated at all from the rest of the workout area, the benches were about 6 ft from my bike ~ so not knowing this I worse a tight tank top.  BIG mistake.  I felt so self-conscious as we were sprinting because my second wave arm flab was just a-moving.  I caught a glance of myself in the mirror and immediately thought, T-SHIRT next time, big baggy t-shirt.  *sigh*  All these hot young guys do not need to see my arm flab or belly roll.  (hmm... wasn't I just talking about not caring about what people thought last time... apparently I do care)

Anyways, back to the spin class.

There were 8 of us in total.  Four of them were all younger (mid-20s) girls who all knew each other.  One single middle aged lady and then a mother daughter pair.  All were much thinner than I was, other than the mom.  Boy, did I ever feel sorry for the mom.  She reminds me a lot of my mom, shorter, large busted and carrying all her weight around the middle; she was the only person in that gym bigger than me.  About 10 minutes in, the instructor showed us jumps (standing up then sitting down again).  On the last jump, that poor woman slipped, missed her seat and ended up stuck in an incredibly awkward position. Her feet were stuck in the pedals and her knees were on the ground.  Her daughter and the instructor rushed to her side to try to help her up.  Since I was on the bike beside her, I too got up, but there wasn't much I could do.  Her feet were eventually unstuck and the instructor and daughter lifted her up.  She was a trouper.  She got right back on and kept going (however not doing the standing up when we were doing hills) for the rest of the 30 minutes class.  I was so glad that no one stood around and stared at her and I felt nothing but compassion for her.  She was there, she was trying and I really hope they come back for the second class.

I think I will continue with the spin.  I need to definitely work harder on pushing myself.  My average heart rate was only 112bpm.  In boot camps and circuits it ranges anywhere from 130-160bpm.  The class did show me that I do need someone on me to push me in order to get the calorie burn I want when I'm feeling unmotivated.  However, 200 is 200 and it got me moving!  So far, I'm doing well, working out or doing something very active 6 times a week.   I just need to learn to push myself.

Tomorrow morning is our 7 am boot camp class.  Depending on who the trainer is, I'm going to ask them to kill me.  I need my ass kicked after a week of lacklustre workouts on my part.

So I've got the workout thing under control.

Food... *sigh*  How about we don't talk about the 1/2 box girl guide cookies I ate on Monday?  Or the 1/2 bag of mini peanut butter cups I ate till I felt ill yesterday?  My curse is having no healthy snack food in the house and boredom.  I started eating stale pretzels when I got home since I knew I needed something.  I should start my knitting again to keep my hands busy, but I can't motivate myself to go searching for all my needles and cast something on.  I desperately need to go grocery shopping and organise my crafts so I'm not sitting around home doing nothing.

I have a children's birthday cake to do this weekend, so I know I'm going to indulge in a icing and cake batter, so I really shouldn't make cookie dough tonight or eat any of the chocolate in this place.  I don't even have milk to have a bowl of cereal.  I think peanut butter on crackers is what it will be.  I REALLY want to make myself some cookie dough but I am going to be good and resist. I want that number on the scale to be down at least 1 lb on Monday morning.

So to everyone out there: stay strong on your food and don't be afraid to try new workouts; if you fall, get back up!


Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I understand everyone smells... but jesh!

After taking yesterday off to hang out with my wonderful friend, I was back at the gym today.

I was out late last night and even though I woke up at 6 am to let the dog out, I crawled back into bed for another 2 hours after that.  I couldn't face doing a morning bootcamp, working for 8 hours, and then having a stretch of boring time at home trying to avoid watching the hockey game tonight.  So instead, I went to the 4:30pm class and am working late.

Now, I used to always go to the afternoon bootcamp.  It is a comfortable group of people where no one really pushes you and if you don't want to try too hard, you don't have to.  It fit me for the first few years I was doing the classes.  The crazy morning class where people want to be punished scared the hell out of me.

But, after having done the morning classes for the last few months ~ I want back!  The afternoon class has many more people on average (15 today vs. 6 in the morning) and trying to put it delicately, 2 or 3 who, well, smell.  REALLY REALLY bad, to the point their body odour will smell up the whole gym.  Or like today, the whole stairwell as you run stairs with them.  I don't know if they don't wear deorderant, don't wash their gym clothes, or if it is just their natural scent, but when you get all 3 in one class, combined with 12 or 13 other people ~ I can't handle it.  Pushing my heart rate to 190 while having to prevent myself from being neaseous from the smell just doesn't work.

While the calories weren't bad, I had a horrible workout.


I've talked to the trainers regarding the smell and honestly there isn't much anyone can do.  If they don't smell when they come in ~ some people are just unlucky in that regard.

I guess smell is like sweat.  I sweat like a freaking pig.  It just drips off of me and I feel gross and ugh.  I feel like others at the gym judge me for how much I sweat, equating being fat to the sweating.  Yet, there are people who sweat even more than me (trails of sweat on the floor when running) who are in fantastic shape.

When I'm at the gym, I try not to judge other people.  For the most part, we are all there to get in shape, workout, and do the best we can that day.  I know we all think others are watching us but I bet in fact, no one really is.  It is all in our head.  At my gym, there are one or two people who do watch others ~ who are persistent in calling out those they perceive not to be working hard enough either to others after the classes or during them by offering "advice".  However, when they do that, don't they realize that they can't be working hard enough if they are too busy watching and judging others?  We have a guy and a girl like that in the classes that drive me up the wall.  I've gotten good at ignoring people when I'm doing my thing, but still, no one should ever go into a gym and feel like they aren't good enough because they can't do what others do.

I know that is an idealistic view.  Many people, skinny and fat, aren't comfortable in some gyms due to the perceived judgements from others.   I battle that constantly.  I have to keep telling myself that no one is looking at me.  It doesn't always work and I try to hide in the back.  I tailor the clothes I wear to the gym so I don't offend anyone.  I make sure my shirts are long enough to cover all the chub and loose enough so the fat rolls don't appear.  I HATE doing jumping jacks or other things that make my fat all jiggle in front of others since I don't want them disgusted by me.  However, those clothes aren't always the most comfortable to wear.  Should I be concerned about offending people?  Who cares if I wear a tank top where you can see the rolls, I'm not showing any skin, just spandex controlled fat!

I'm going to a new spin class at the local recreation center tomorrow, one I've never been to, so I wonder what the atmosphere there is going to be.  I wonder if I'll be comfortable or try to hide again.

The gym is such a different social beast to navigate.

Question:  Are you comfortable at the gym you go to?  Do you avoid certain exercises so you're not judged?

Monday, April 16, 2012

I Sometimes Feel like it is Hopeless....

Three and a half years ago, the company I work for officially opened up the gym in our new building (across a small parking lot from our original building) and started holding 6x weekly "bootcamps" lead by a certified fitness trainer.

I was super pumped for this and saw it as the perfect way to loose weight and get in shape.  Visions of skinny clothes and a thin me danced in my head.  I had been hit and miss at going to the gym at the local recreation center and was too afraid to sign up for the outdoor bootcamps that had become so popular around the Lower Mainland, so the classes held at the work gym seemed like a perfect compromise.  They were inside and the trainers promised that people at every level of fitness would be able to attend (which makes perfect sense since we are a company of computer geeks and cubicle walls). 

So, in October of 2008 I started to attend afternoon bootcamp three times a week.  For me, the classes have never been easy.  No once have I been able to complete a full workout without having to stop for a break during an exercise or doing the low fitness modifications (like planks from the knees) or alternatives (running in the gym vs. running the stairs).  I was so hopeful that I would be able to "one day" be able to do a full bootcamp with the rest of the thinner, healthier, in shape people without stopping or modifications.

Last Friday (April 13, 2012) I hit a wall in the circuit class.  I realized, not for the first time, that I have yet to complete one single bootcamp or circuit training class without stopping or modifying an exercise.  As the trainer demonstrated each station in the circuit, I got more and more emotional.  There was only 2 stations out of 6 that I wouldn't need to modify.  Out of those 2 stations, there was only 1 I was able to complete for 60 seconds without needing a breather.  I felt utterly defeated and worked hard to keep back the tears.  I let the anger seep through when I threw the 20lb medicine ball to the ground when I couldn't do the chop with step-up with it.  I didn't have a good circuit class.

I have been toying around in my mind about quitting the bootcamps for a while.  To allowing myself to try new exercises and maybe find something that will give me a killer workout, but be something I can actually do.

During that 50 minutes of circuit I was positive I was going to tell my trainer, when my personal training session started at the end of the circuit, that I was going to quit the classes and go on my own for a while.  I was emotional, so close to crying and just felt beat up.   I was sick of being the worse one there, I was tired of never being better than anyone in class.  I was sick of being at the bottom again.  Because no matter how much I improved, the others improved as well and I would never be someone someone else would want to beat.  I was stuck in forever loserville.

I chickened out.  I knew if I mentioned it to the trainer I would get a whole speil over how much I've improved, how it is understandable yada-yada.  I honestly just wanted to have my ass handed to me and then go cry in the change room at the end.  I never told him my feelings.  I focussed on working out and relying on the trainers infectious good mood to kick me out of my funk.  It did work ~ we were joking and laughing at the end, but I still wasn't happy.  I just didn't know what to do about it.

So I was in for a shock this morning that for the very first time in three and a half years, I was able to complete a full bootcamp.  Not once did I need to modify an exercise, not once did I have to stop for a breather.  I may not have been the fastest runner, or the first to finish the lines, but damnit all, I did it.  I completed everything successfully.  I DID IT.

I should feel elated.  I should be happy.  I should be wanting to be tackling the next bootcamp by storm, shouldn't I?

Then why do I still feel as if I'm done with the bootcamps?  Why do I still want to quit?

I know by stopping the classes, I will have to deal with never-ending harrassment and questions from my co-workers over why I'm not there.  But this time, unlike times in the past where I have wanted to stop, I'm actually willing to put up with that nonsense.

I think I'm ready to quit.  Now the question is, do I have the courage and strength to actually quit?  To lose that support network inherent in the classes?

Is quitting even right for me?

Can I do this:

7:00 am bootcamp




on my own?


P.S I weighed in at 239.8; it is like the gods are cruelly tempting me with barely staying below 240 lbs.  *sigh*

Sunday, April 15, 2012

And the results are in....

So while I didn't win the contest, I don't think I did too bad!  The cousin who won lost a whopping 18 lbs and 9% body fat in the two and a half months.  And from knowing his workouts and what he ate and what he didn't eat, he completely deserved it.


For $25 it was good motivation to move and a friendly competition.


Here are my stats:


January 1, 2012April 15, 2012Difference
Weight
260.2lbs
238.8lbs
21.4lbs
Bust
49"
45"
-4"
Waist
46"
44.5"
-1.5"
Hips
55"
53"
-2"
Thighs
29.75"
29"
-0.75"
Calves
17"
16"
-1"
Bicep
14.75"
16"
+1.25"
Body Fat
53.6%
50.4%
-2.2%
Muscle
20.6%
22.1%
+1.5
BMI
38.4
35.7
-2.7

I enhanced my pear shape body by losing almost everything off of my chest as usual!  But I'm hoping that I will begin to lose more off my waist and hips soon.  I plan on re-measuring for each 20 pounds I lose.  I will also post new photos with each 20 lb goal.  

To update the constant weight checking during the day as I mentioned in my last post: it didn't vary much ~ the pounds were down after both the vigorous house cleaning as well as from the mowing the lawn.  The final 238.8 lbs was weighed wearing clothes while all my previous measurements were done naked.


Recap:

9:30 am - when I first woke up, after peeing, before eating, naked.


12:30pm - after 1 cup of water and a sweat inducing house cleaning and vacuuming, naked.

3:30pm - after 2 hours of lawn mowing, wearing 1.5lbs of clothes.

So it goes to show, that exercising, and not drinking water, is enough to reduce weight and body fat in numbers most of us trying to lose weight would consider significant.  Through the course of the day, the numbers for both fat % and weight varied enough to definitely reinforce the idea that you must be consistent with everything when weighing body fat and simple weight because so much can change it!  And also, to not get discouraged when there is a small increase on the scale.  My weight varied almost 2 lbs by simply mowing the lawn and sweating and not replenishing fluids.

Food, or numbers, for thought!

Now I need to go hang my head in shame and deal with the gloating to come out of the cousin and pray the ribs and poutine tonight don't cause the scale to pop back up above 240 tomorrow morning.  I really want to see something below 238.8!  

I had a witty title I forgot....

Often at night when I'm struggling to sleep, I think of things to write on the blog or rehash the daily workout or plan out my next day.  However, when I wake up the following morning, nine times out of ten, I've forgotten everything I figured out the night before.

Like this blog title.  I had a really witty title thought up, but for the life of me, I can't remember it!

Oh well.

Today is the final day of our family weight loss competition.  Enter a day full of compulsively weighing myself, limiting food intake and trying to remind myself that there is no way I can beat a guy who has already lost 8% body fat.  I also need to keep reminding myself that even though I lost the competition, the approximately 20 lbs I've lost in the last 3 1/2 months is nothing shabby at all!

The last 2 days I've worked my butt off if my heart rate monitor is anything to go by:
Saturday morning circuit class
Friday afternoon circuit + personal training session
However, the scale isn't cooperating too much.  I'm up 1.5 lbs from yesterday:

My original weigh-in body fat % was 53.6 and weight was 260.2.  *HUGE SIGH*

I know that 51.9% isn't my actual body fat % since these scales are off.  When I had my last body composition done with calipers it was in the mid 30% range.  However, this scale is consistent in telling me the body fat % and doesn't seem to vary much during the day.

Buuuuutttttttttt, my weigh-in isn't until later this afternoon since my brother-in-law works until 2 pm and we aren't meeting up for measurements etc. until after then.  So as I alluded to earlier, I'm going to compulsively watch my weight and body fat % during the day.  I have a few "exercises" to do, like mowing a 2000 sq. ft lawn with a push mower, vacumming a 1500 sq ft area, going on my hands and knees to get all the dog hair off the stairs, and maybe while I'm at it, I'll run a few sets of stairs as well.  Anything to get those numbers even slightly lower.

I'll take pictures each time ~ show you truly how variable they can be during the day and why it is so consistent to weigh in at the same time each day wearing the same thing (or nothing) and not worrying too much about a pound here and there since our bodies are so variable.

I hope everyone is having a great day, and to those running the Vancouver 10K Sun Run (in progress right now and half are already done!) I hope your race went well!!

I'll be back later!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

What I'm Reading

I really wanted to post today, I felt like I really had something to say.

And then I sat down in front of the computer, put my hands on the keyboard and realized I had nothing important to say.  I won't bore you with my incredibly boring day or food choices.  But I still had an urge to write... anything, something.

So instead of having you read my admittedly boring post, I figured I'd link to some of my favourite blog writers.  I've only been following blogs for the last 6 months, and weight loss ones for the last 2 months.  I don't feel important enough to comment much, but I'm trying.

Here are some of the interesting posts and blogs I've read lately:



and more importantly, this recent post which I mentioned yesterday: P is For Plateaus
Plateaus are scary, demotivating, and work against us.  That post dealt with them perfectly!



Go Start Now! is a great reminder as to why excuses are really no excuse.  Just MOVE!



A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures is a blogger who I don't necessarily share much in common with but I love the style and the pictures and .... well, just reading the blog makes me smile!  This post is a great reminder how planning ahead is a key feature of those who are successful in losing weight.  Planning ahead helps us keep our food in check and motivated in our exercise routine!



I came across this blog while I was desperately searching for something to motivate me.  I haven't finished reading all her history yet but I can't wait to finish!


While I may never have any intention of becoming a fitness competitor, her blog posts resonate with me.  Especially ones like this which remind me so much of working out with the boys who think they know too much



One blog I read from start to finish was PastaQueen.com.  Sadly, she no longer blogs specifically about her weight loss journey and is now over at JenFul.com, but it is hard to find one post in her original blog that didn't resonate with me some way or the other!



I've just started following this blog, but it makes me laugh and cry ~ which is always a sign of a good writer.


Now, these all tend to be popular blogs that come up often in all the searches.

Since I'm starting out and I know there are many other people out there starting out... do any of you have any recommendations for blogs that would be funny, insightful, motivational, and/or all around fun?


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Plateaus, how I hate you!


I think my trainer took pity on me this morning.  He witnessed my attempt at a spin class last night and probably inferred that I was quite sore.  With one look from me, I was excused from having to run the stairs thousands of times with the boys.  Sure, I could have probably done it, only slowing them down a little, but my body was grateful I was just willing to shuffle/jog in the gym instead.  The squats were bad enough.

It is rare when these trainers actually care that you are sore.  They definitely appear to be of the philosophy that even when you're sore, you just keep moving.  I think it is the high-calibre athletes in them.  However, for this regular, fat, plain Jane, when I'm sore, it is hard to move.  When I'm really sore, that soreness doesn't go away once I warm up.  I get into the mindset that hey, at least I'm there.

Even though the trainer went easy on me today, I think I am going to take tomorrow off from a strenuous workout.  My muscles are complaining, my stomach still isn't happy (I haven't felt hungry since last Thursday and I haven't been eating enough to give me that sensation) and I just feel really tired even though I'm having trouble sleeping.  I want a day to come home and take the dog for a nice walk in the sun and where when I come back from that walk, my knees don't cry when I go up the stairs.

I'm also conscious of this post that Lisa Eirene at 110pounds.com wrote.  I've struggled with plateauing and eating poorly as part of a result of the frustration of the plateaus for the last 2 months.  It is one of the reason's I started to blog.   Almost everything on that list, applies to the plateaus I've suffered, and I really don't want to fall into the trap again.

I don't want to over-train, yet I want to keep a consistent exercise routine.  I'm not tracking my food, but I also feel like I'm not eating enough since I'm just not hungry right now.   I also know with my increased fitness level, my body is  more efficient, so I'm trying to mix up my exercises, but I'm having a hard time pushing myself out of my comfort zone.  I'm also eating out more than normal since I haven't had a chance to go grocery shopping since I've been home.  

I really don't want to undo my weight loss from the last weekend.  However, I know if I don't track my food better, buy some fruit and vegetables, and avoid the leftover Easter chocolate, that this plateau will turn into a weight gain, which will lead me down a dark spiral of despair.

So, with all this, I know I'm not really making a point, but I want to confirm to myself that I am only going to take 1 day off from training.  NOT from eating healthy.

I'm giving myself permission because I want to be healthy, not just skinny.  I'm letting myself know that by mixing it up a little and not stressing over not working out, it isn't going to prevent me from busting out of that plateau.  I'm going to start tracking my food, working out regularly, but not too much, keep pushing past my comfort zone and watch the eating out.

Plateaus, how I hate you!

Aie-Yie-Yie. My poor bum!!


I did a new exercise yesterday - I attended a free spin class held by my trainer's gym last night.  The trainers are attempting to get a regular spin class going and held a few free classes to see if their clients interested. 

To be honest, I was dreading it.  I spent the afternoon at work alternately telling myself to take it easy, you've had the stomach flu, you can skip the class and trying to convince myself that it won't be so bad and that I need to push myself past my comfort zone to continue and that I needed the cardio.

Well, as you know, the angel on my right shoulder prevailed and I dragged my sorry butt down to the gym for 4:00 pm (yah, stupid freaking time and now i need to make up an hour of work today.)  The trainer holding the class was one I haven't worked with before, but she seemed super friendly and all up for it although there was only 3 of us attending, one of them being the trainer's best friend.  The other thing I really liked about this trainer is that she isn't super thin ~ to be perfectly candid, she has some meat on her bones and doesn't come off as a fanatic or super intense person which is what I imagined most spin instructors to be like.

So... the class... was FUN!  The music was upbeat and positive and the trainer wanted all of us to go at our own pace.  I expected my quads to burn baby burn.  However, they survived just fine.  I even expected my bum to be unbearably sore during and after the class, but during the class, there was enough up and down that it didn't bother me. 

What I did struggle with was 3 things:

    My feet!  Who would have thought that!  The bottom of my feet from where the pedal ended was on fire from about the 25 minute mark all the way to the end.  Luckily, my feet recovered quite quickly from it and seem to be ok doing the walking / shuffling in this morning's bootcamp.

    My arms!  With all the standing up and leaning over, they got quite the workout.  My triceps and shoulders were sore from my workout on Monday and the "hovers" and such moves really tired them out.  I also must have put too much pressure on one of my forearms during the hill climbs and bruised a small part of my forearm.  I don't bruise easy so ouchie!! And this morning, my chest is killing me!  The push-ups in bootcamp this morning suffered from seriously poor form.

    Movement from sitting to standing!  I really struggled with the "jumps" where you quickly transitioned from sitting to standing.  I found my knees wanted to buckle and it just wasn't smooth for me.  When we started doing those, my arms and feet were already done so I generally just stayed in a seated position.


So I mentioned above my bum didn't bother me during the workout ~ heck it was only a little tender while driving out to pick up my dog.  But holy mother of hell, was it sore this morning when I woke up.  Just sitting I wanted to cry.  Coming up from a full situp, when you roll across your tailbone onto your butt cheeks, nearly made me cry in bootcamp this morning.   Even sitting now during lunch at work I'm uncomfortable.


So, will I do one again?  I think so.  It was a fantastic cardio workout ~ 550 calories in 50 minutes and the pain afterwards is similar to the pain after bootcamps, just in different places.   As well, it is something different from the bootcamps and circuit.  I know exactly what to expect and I can completely lose myself in the blasting music.  The local rec centre is holding a 30-minute beginner spin course starting in a week or 2.  I'm thinking that might be a better start for me so my butt and body can transition slower.  Plus, it is significantly cheaper than the $20 per session that my trainers want to charge.  I just hope they don't mind me singing along to the songs!

Do any experienced spinners have any advice?


   

Monday/Tuesday weigh-in: 238.8

I've been gone for the last few days because I was travelling in Alberta to see Family.  Excuses, excuses I know!  Yes, Alberta, and the places I was staying at, had Internet connection.  However, I'm going to plead illness!

While at the airport on Wednesday, my sister texted me saying she couldn't head down to Medicine Hat that night since she wasn't feeling well.  She was nauseous and had been throwing up all morning.   I wasn't impressed.  One of the reason's I flew back to Calgary instead of driving was that my sister had promised to go down with me and was my ride.  I didn't have a car there and I wasn't so sure she would let me borrow hers for the 2 days.    She is generally flaky as hell (sorry sis, but it is true!) and I was worried this was just another excuse.  However, my mom had some stomach issues, to put it mildly, on Sunday/Monday, so there was some credibility to the story.  Well, to make a long story short, she work up at 7:30 on Wednesday morning and said she was able to go. 

It was surprisingly nice to travel with my sister, she has been on a health kick since January of last year and lost about 40-50 lbs on Jenny Craig and is now down and maintaining at around 120 lbs.  Prior to that she was one of the worst eaters I knew, but the weight never really crept up until the last 5 years or so.  She had huge plates of french fries for dinner, popcorn for lunch, and diet coke 24 hours a day.  She also never exercised and slept every spare hour she had.  Something in her clicked last year and she found her inner motivation, joined Jenny Craig, stuck to it, met her goals and has been doing great since.   She works with a personal trainer 3 times a week in the morning (this in and of itself makes me wonder which alien group reprogrammed her mind.) For this trip down, was all about healthy snacks.  Her stomach was still sensitive, but we packed the ubiquitous Diet Coke, apples, bananas, rye crisps, sugar snap peas, and water.  This was a huge help to me!

The visit to my grandparents was great.  While they are getting up there in age (89 this year) they are still agile and their minds are sharp (they quite enjoyed killing us at cribbage) and I was so happy to spend some quality time with them.   Knowing they've made it this far makes me want to keep on living healthy so I can reach that age as well. 

The worst part?  The drive home.  My sister still smokes, yes I ride her ass on it every day since my dad died from smoking, and I thought my stomach was just bothered from drinking too much chocolate milk and all the cigarette smoke in the car.  I was positive it was just that, no way was I getting sick with a couple trips to the gym planned and 4 more days of vacation to go.

I wasn't that lucky.  We got home Friday around 1 pm and by 1:30 I was in the washroom with some nasty diarrhoea.  I was still trying to convince myself that it was just the chocolate milk, so I grabbed my gym stuff and went to the gym with my husband and his cousins.  That definitely didn't go so well. I made it through 25 minutes on the bike and 2 sets of squats and 3 trips to the bathroom before giving up, changing and reclining on the massage chairs for an hour waiting for the boys to finish.  *Sigh*  I knew then that I was done for, but refused to give in.  I was stupid, I tagged alone to the Vietnamese restaurant for dinner and was able to keep down the tea and part of a lime drink.  By this time, TMI alert, my ass was on fire and I was unhappy.  I still trudged on.  After the food, the guys were still hungry and a mutual friend invited us out to her place for homemade wonton soup.   I really just wanted to go home, but since we hadn't seen this friend for ages, I felt obligated to go out to her place and hang out.  With a quick stop at Shopper's Drug Mart, embarrassing the the pharmacy tech asking about nausea and diarrhoea, we went out to Chestermere to hang out.  Thank goodness all we did was hang out.  I was able to sit and not move for hours on some of the most comfortable couches ever.  I convinced the boys to go see American Reunion the next night and barely made it home before I felt like I was going to throw up.  My poor mom, I ran into the house dropping everything as I tumbled into the washroom.  I HATE throwing up, try to hold it down as much as possible, but couldn't get rid of the feeling that I just had to be sick.  Alas, even sticking my fingers down my throat didn't work.  This is insensitive, but I really don't know how bulimics can throw up!  I made it to the couch that night and never moved again. 

I made it through the night and was able to be alive enough the following days to hang out with my husband and family.  It was slow going, food wasn't appealing, and I never had enough energy to even sit on my phone or computer to blog.  I barely had the energy to walk.   I did however, feel good enough to hit the gym for 90 minutes on Monday.  I was struggling when my heart rate hit 140, but able to maintain it through the workout! Wohoo for small accomplishments!

On the plus side, I lost 8 lbs that week from not eating (my stomach still doesn't really want a lot of food) and my sister and I didn't get my grandparents sick!  I also was able to control my portions and all of our eating

All in all, travel is hard for diet and exercise, but if you find ways to work in good food like healthy car trip snacks and exercise (try joining a friend at the gym using a buddy pass) it is doable to keep it up.  I just don't recommend getting a stomach bug.  It is not a quick fix I want to repeat!!

p.s. does anyone else find it ironic that Blogger's spell check pukes on the word blog?

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Home.... Here goes the diet.

I flew home to Calgary today to visit my mom, grandparents and husband. All of that means a lot of eating out and minimal exercise.

I know that most obese people hate flying, but surprisingly I don't mind it. The regular seatbelt has always fit me, albeit a bit on the tight side on older planes. And if the armrest is down it holds all my fat in. What I don't like is the look on people's face when they see me approaching. I am always so careful not to encroach on anyone else's space to the extreme of not even using the shared arm rest.

But I'll admit to being a bit of a hypocrite because when I see a person larger than me, I always wonder how both of us fatsos are going to fit (hmm my spell check didn't complain about fatso) in that tiny airplane seat.

I flew Westjet ..... Absolutely love them. Their newer planes have tons of leg room and seat width. So even with my extra 100 lbs. I was able to fit fine.

Tomorrow morning will be a 3 hour road trip to my grandparents. I'm going to try to being healthy snacks and plenty of water. I know when I'm down there I will be spoiled with food so I'm being careful where I can. Although I'm trying to be proactive and have arranged a trip to the gym on Friday to work some of it off. In the meantime I'm working to avoid this :

Monday, April 02, 2012

Biggest Loser - Family edition

I married into a family that is thin by default.  My sister-in-law barely weighs 100 lbs and doesn't even fit into the extra small clothes at most stores.  I have at least 100 lbs on all of them.  However, all of them, save the 100lb sister-in-law want to lose fat and gain muscle.  They are the unhealthy version of thin.

So last fall, a cousin of my husbands, one of the few who could stand to lose a few pounds, proposed a weight loss competition for the new year.  Everyone would pay in $25 to participate and the winner with the highest percentage of body fat lost, would win the whole pot.  Between my immediate family and my husbands extended family we ended up with a pot around $300.  Not too shabby.

On January 1st we all weighed in, did measurements, and used a Body Fat scale to calculate our starting point. Only I would have access to all the data and my 12 year old niece would be the one to validate everyone's data as we took it.  She was a task master who wouldn't let anyone cheat. Then the games began.  We all had 15 weeks to loose at much fat as possible.


Technically, there were really only 4 people who could win:

Myself, if I could control my eating,
Cousin J, who is a huge health nut and doesn't mind eating bland food every day,
Brother-in-law R, who has struggled with weight, but has motivation issues,
Brother-in-law S, who drinks coke like it is going out of style,
and
my mom, who is the only person who had more body fat than me.

This contest shouldn't have been hard, it was mine to loose.  I had the most skills and resources available to me through work.  I went gangbusters out the door.  I lost 15 lbs in 6 weeks. I was rocking it.

Then stress and depression knocked on the door.  My body doesn't like stress.  Even with eating well, stress would cause me to hold on to every pound.  I've rebounded after last weekend to the same weight I was in the middle of February.  There are 2 weeks left in the competition.  I need to prove myself to everyone in his family that I am not a fat lazy slob.  No one has ever criticized me for my weight, but I can't stand seeing myself in pictures with them, double their size.  I want to prove to them that I am worthy of my husband.

So with 13 days to go, I want to lose at least 6 pounds to get under 240 pounds.  I don't want to be embarrassed by my failure once again to succeed when I have all the apparent tools to succeed.

The catch is that I'm travelling back to Alberta to visit my grandparents, my mom, and my husband.  No one in that province that I visit eats well.  Vegetables are non-existent.  Carbs are abundant.  I'll be on the go for 6 days with little healthy options.

Can I lose 6 pounds?  I'm going to try.

In order to do that, I need to eat healthy tomorrow, so I'm going to get off my fat ass and go prepare a healthy dinner for tonight and lunch for tomorrow.

Then I'm going to go to bed early and actually wake up and do 60 minutes of hard cardio tomorrow morning.

I CAN DO THIS.

I may not win, but I refuse to embarrass myself.

Happy Birthday Haru!!


It was my dog's 5th birthday yesterday and as I was driving home on Friday night, I was pondering how to 'celebrate' it.  I've never really been one to humanize my dog.  I wasn't going to have a dog party or really do anything different.  It was supposed to (and did) rain all day Saturday so he wasn't going to get a special trip to the park or anything.  So my mind went back to food ~ what special treat could I give my dog.

Then, as tends to happen when I drive home, my mind wandered from that to thinking about how I use food to reward myself and how while growing up food was used to reward me (wohoo, my mom treat trained me just like I did Haru!)  and I realized that bad food to me is a reward, a highly valuable reward.  Being able to eat something I know is unhealthy, high in fat, calories, sugar and all sorts of naughty stuff triggers a pleasure response; it makes me extremely happy.  I know it is a conditioning response in me, just like Pavlov's dogs (wohoo, more proof I'm a dog!) and I did a little research when I got home to confirm what I remember reading before.

Mainly, high-calorie foods trigger an addiction response and certain studies have shown that our bodies crave "comfort" foods when we are exposed to prolong continued stress.  I think in today's world, many of us are exposed to a consistently high level of stress just trying to survive.  For me, as a reward for getting through a high stress day or activity, I eat bad.  Chocolate, fried foods, things smothered in butter or sugar or cream sauces.  That is my reward and by choosing it, I only want it more.

How many of us do that?  How many of us say to ourselves "If I get past this deadline, I'll reward myself with that chocolate bar that has been calling my name from the vending machine."  I do it on a regular basis!  It works for me as a reward!  It doesn't work when I let myself have 4 chocolate bars instead of half of one.

I know many weight loss sites and support groups recommend that you use non-food rewards to help yourself to your weight loss goal.  I've tried that and failed.  Food is my ultimate motivator.

However, since I'm not in a race to loose the weight as fast as possible (well, technically I am, post to follow on that)  if I can reward myself with a certain food treat for eating well the other 80% of the time ~ maybe it will work.  Maybe by not denying myself foods I crave (bubble tea, cookie dough, chocolate, french fries) but only allowing myself those foods in small doses only after I've accomplished something I will learn moderation.

Food can't be the only reward, but it is a darn effective one!  I'm willing to try anything at this point.

Question: What is your opinion on food rewards?

+4.5lbs *Sigh* I'm a tub of lard

The weigh-in this morning was depressing.  I was up almost 5 lbs.  Now I can try to justify it by saying it is water retention or muscle gain or lactic build up from the really hard workouts.  But I won't.  I'll take it as 4.5 pounds of fat and as a wake up call that I have to get my eating under control.

I've eaten poorly the last 2 weeks.  My breakfast and lunches are great, but when I get home, I go into overeating mode.  Part of it is boredom, a huge part is loneliness, and the other part is the pure self-destructive behaviour of punishment.  I got in to the mindset that I'm a loser and didn't deserve to be happy or thin or healthy.  That I will never be, and don't deserve to be, pretty or attractive or liked.  I reached a very dark place on Saturday night after I had convinced myself how much of a horrible person I am and how much I deserve to be a fat loser.  This downward spiral usually happens about once every couple of months and can take a few weeks to break.  To get through it, to punish myself, I eat.  I hit T&T (a local asian supermarket) and the Maxim's Bakery next door on Saturday and stocked up on congee, bbq pork, rice noodles, egg tarts, mini apple pastries and pineapple bbq pork buns.  I then came home, sat on the couch and proceeded to stuff my face till I cried.

Did it make me feel better? No.

I still felt like a lonely fat loser.  I was still alone on Saturday night, following the trend from the previous weekends of spending them alone.  I don't have many friends and out of the few, most are married with kids and aren't interested in hanging out on a Friday or Saturday night.   Eating crap didn't help me overcome my loneliness, but it did make me momentarily feel better ~ man did all that food taste good.

I sometimes fear that if it wasn't for the Saturday morning circuit class, I wouldn't have any human interaction between Friday night and Monday morning.

I am also loathe to tell any of my friends of these feelings for fear they would find me a bigger loser and not want to hang out with me at all.

I miss my husband.

I hate my body and I hate my lack of willpower.  I am a fat loser.  I am a fat loser with no friends.  I am a fat loser with no friends and zero self-esteem.




Sunday, April 01, 2012

15 reasons why I hate being fat!!!

Over this weekend I really sat back and thought about why I started writing this blog.  I wanted to know where to go before getting too far with this thing.

Am I really ready to be open and honesty to not only myself but to everyone, including family and friends, who could happen across this blog?   Do I want this to be a navel grazing blog detailing what I ate and what I did every day?  Or did I want to talk about topics pertaining to weight loss, motivation, health and fitness?  Or do I want to blog about life in general and not to have a specific focus?

I had a breakdown and a huge fight with my husband last summer after he go upset with me over what I was eating.  We have struggled from the beginning on how he can support me.  He has never struggled with his weight, nor does he have a warped relationship with food.  He eats when he is hungry, doesn't reward himself with food and has always been a healthy weight if not a little too thin.  To be short, he has absolutely no freaking clue what I'm going through.  But during this fight he said one thing that really made me think.  He told me that I lie to myself about what I'm eating and how many calories I'm burning.  That in order to make myself believe that I'm being perfect, I'm deluded myself when I'm not ~ and that is one key thing that is holding me back.

We've come to a delicate balance - he isn't allowed to get upset or comment on what I eat and is only allowed to push me when I ask for it.  I only ask for him to believe in me.  I promised not to blame him for any of my issues with food.

So keeping that in mind, I've decided I want this blog to focus on health, nutrition, but mainly about staying motivated while losing weight, and how it isn't as simple as "just eat less" when you have a warped relationship with food.  I will have a navel grazing post here and there and funny anecdotes about what happens at the gym.  But my biggest issue is being honest with myself regarding how I'm truly changing my lifestyle in order to be healthy and this blog is here to keep me completely honest about what is going on.

To that end, I wanted to follow up my 101 things to do in 1001 days with a short 15 reasons why I want to lose weight and become healthy or more realistically:

15 reasons why I hate being fat!!!


  1. Not feeling comfortable in my own skin.
  2. Buying clothes in the plus size stores which contain 90% horrendous styles.
  3. Not being confident enough to go snowboarding and rollerblading with my husband.
  4. Having to buy bras with huge ass shoulder straps.
  5. Feeling guilty when I eat ~  I always feel like everyone is judging what I eat.
  6. The horrible chafing when wearing dresses & skirts without a pair of shorts underneath.
  7. People only seeing my fat instead of me.  
  8. Having 100 pounds on almost all my friends ~ I look like 2 people in photos with them!
  9. Having to check weight limits for everything.
  10. Feeling that the only thing holding me back is my weight.
  11. Name calling; yes, even at age 31 I still get called names by people of all ages either to my face or behind my back.
  12. Not being able to feel sexy or feminine.
  13. People always telling me how easy it is to lose weight - just eat less! Grr.
  14. No clothes ever look good on me.
  15. Feeling completely mismatched when with my thinner husband.

Through the next couple of months I'll have individual posts on each of these bullet points further explaining them as a way to work through how they affect you and to solicit advice over how to overcome these issues.   I bet there are many many more overweight people out there who have the same issues, the same things they are ashamed of and struggle alone with them.  I don't want myself or anyone else out there to feel like they are alone ~ and if we consider the sheer number of weight-loss blogs out there, we are extremely far from alone!